


i watched it begin again

by space_dev



Category: Star Wars: Rebels
Genre: Family Angst, Family Fluff, Family moments, Gen, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, Past Rape/Non-con, Poetic Spacing, Space family, Underage Rape/Non-con, Winter Blueberry AU, angst & fluff, sad yet kinda hopeful i guess, soft fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-10
Updated: 2018-05-09
Packaged: 2019-04-21 02:41:18
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con, Underage
Chapters: 3
Words: 1,717
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14275140
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/space_dev/pseuds/space_dev
Summary: Ezra Bridger. Soldier. Spectre Six.Who really is he?





	1. cause, he never did

**Author's Note:**

> TW for amnesia as a result of a head injury, arrest of parents, guilt over parent's injury, implied rape and abuse.

All he remembered was waking up on this desolate rock of a planet, what karking planet it was, he wasn't sure, limping into town and ducking into an alley, pulling his knees to his face, and hiding.

 

What was he hiding from? He wasn't quite sure.

 

He also remembered stormtroopers passing his alley at least eight times on patrol, never once looking in, never seeing the scared blue-haired boy in an imperial uniform.

 

It was an odd one, too; a black tunic with the Empire's symbol on the shoulders and front and back, tight black pants, a belt with a little carabiner on it yet nothing on the carabiner, and a black cape.

 

He wasn't sure why he was hiding from the stormtroopers, he must be an Imperial... right? And yet, he wasn't sure he liked the Empire so.... maybe he was a spy?

 

And now someone- a girl? in Mandalorian armour is kneeling in front of him, hands hovering over two blasters holstered on her belt.

 

When he realises she's here, he squeaks and scoots up against the wall.

 

The Mando jumps and her hands titter away from her blasters, and she slowly takes her left hand and takes his chin, lifting his face up to view.

 

She gasps and backs away a bit.

 

"Ezra...?" she whispers incredulously.

 

Should he remember that name?

 

"W-who.... who are you?" he whispers.

 

She smiles sadly as her eyes fill with tears.

 

"My name is Sabine Wren. I'm your adopted sister," she utters.

 

The name rings a bell, but no memories surface.

 

Sabine reaches onto her belt and pulls out a communications link, presses the button.

 

"Spectre Five, why haven't you checked in?" A gruff... male? voice hisses through the link. His voice sounds consciously quiet.... maybe he's hiding too? What is he hiding from?

 

"Spectre Four, I-I... I have Spectre Six," she responded quietly, her voice cracking.

 

"What?! Is this some sort o' joke, Spectre Five?!" he whisper-yells, and there's rustling sounds and then-

 

"Spectre Five, do you really...?" a female voice cuts in, her voice wavery but also quiet.

 

"It's really him, Spectre Two," Sabine responds. "Should I take him to the rendezvous or....?"

 

"No, send your coordinates, abort the mission. We don't need these credits and fuel cells that badly," the female voice commands quietly.

 

"Roger that. Sending coordinates," she says, then taps some buttons on the link, then turns back to him.

 

"Do you remember me...?" she asks, tears spilling out unbidden.

 

He slowly shakes his head.

 

She nods understandingly, like she knew, was anticipating that response and then-

 

                  so many organics surround him, its overwhelming

  
                                                                  he hides in the corner of the alley wall.

But it's enough for a female green Twi'Lek to gasp, a purple.... space cat?'s jaw to drop open, a human male wearing entirely too much green's eyes to widen, and an astromech-

 

Suddenly he's flung a million memories of this astromech like a frisbee. This astromech was his friend, his comrade-

 

"Cho-Chopper?" he asks in a small, wondering, and scared voice that makes everyone's heart about crack.

 

The murderbot in question rolled over, and he hesitates, before outstretching his arms and hugging the astromech.

 

The Twi'Lek kneels down in front of him. "Ezra, do you remember me?" she asks softly.

 

He shakes his head.

  
  
                                                                       _Is that my name? Ezra?_

"Do you remember anyone besides Chopper?" the girl from before- Sabine -, asks.

 

"No," he says quietly.

 

"Well, I'm Hera, your... your adoptive mother," the Twi'Lek says, cracking over her words. "The adult human male is Kanan, your master and adoptive father, the Lasat-"

  
  
                                                                                                _so that's what the space cat is_

  
"Is Zeb, your adoptive uncle slash brother. You hit your head and fell on a mission one day, the Empire captured you and made you their terror tool, then I believe you hit your head again and they haven't found you yet."

 

"Are they looking?" he asks.

 

"Yes, and they'll find you, I'm sure of it. But, if you want, you can come with us, and when they notice you're with us, maybe you'll have your memories back," Hera responds.

 

"H-how do I know that y-you're telling the truth?"

 

Hera smiles sadly. "Remember when you broke your arm after you drank your mother's caf when you were three?"

 

He gasps as he remembers that day, the cast, the numbness right after he fell, the soup, the bacta and-

 

he buries his face in his knees (an awkward position; he's still holding Chopper) and starts crying as he remembers them.

  

The adult human male with curly blue hair, changing the bacta patches on his head.

 

The Mirialan adult female with no tattoos, singing.

                                                                                              _happy birthday dear Ezra, happy birthday to-_

                                                                                  _"open this door by order of the Empire! mira and ephraim bridger, you're under arrest for treason. come quietly."_

 

 

                                                                                  _quick, ezra, under the table._

"i remember them."

 

"Do you remember us?" Sabine asks frantically.

 

"No. _Them_ ," he says, lifting his head up to say it, disclosing the tears in his eyes, on his face. 

 

their faces betray it- they know who's _them._

 

"I want to go with you," he says.

 

"Then we should go. There's patrols here, they'll pass us soon," Kanan says.

 

He tries to walk, but he 

 

 

                       c

                          r

                             a

                                s

                                  h

                                     e

                                        s

 

 

 

so Hera just lifts him up and carries him-

not bride-style, upright like a toddler.

he doesn't really like it.

But what can you do?


	2. break and burn and end

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He remembers bits of one life.
> 
> But nothing prepared him for the other one he didn't know he'd had.

It's been three weeks.

 

He hasn't remembered much.

 

But he does remember 

e  
x  
p  
l  
o  
s  
i  
o  
n  
s

the slash of a twin-sided red blade against two teal eyes.

 

defeat

 

guilt and sadness crushing at his windpipe, almost suffocating

 

Why can't he remember anything good?  
  
_  
if they're my family, why can't I remember anything happy about them_?

 

 

He asks Sabine this. He remembers her the most of anyone, besides Chopper, her hair colours, her blasters, her eyes.

 

"I don't know, Ezra. But one day, you'll remember. I swear, we had good times," she says.

 

"Can you remind me of some?"

 

Sabine hums. "Let's see... oh! One day, I dyed the ends of your hair while you were sleeping, I made a beautiful blue-to purple ombré, and you loved it but Kanan made me dye it back," she says softly.

 

Ezra hums. He can remember little flashes of that day now that he thinks about it, but not all of it, not enough of it.

 

"And on Life Day, you and Zeb cooked everyone meluroon pancakes and delivered them in bed to everyone."

 

* * *

 

Later that night, as he lies awake in bed, he thinks back to all the incidents Sabine told him about. He knows all of those times, he just doesn't remember.

 

But Kanan says one day, real soon, there's going to be a flood of memories. He's around too many memory triggers for it not to happen.

* * *

 

  
And then one day, it does.

 

But it isn't the memories anyone wanted.

 

He gasps awake one night, his head suddenly filled with memories-

 

 _Your name is Soldier, you work for the Empire to amuse the Inquistors and hunt down any remaining Jedi_.

 

_You use the dark side, you are not a Jedi._

 

 _Come here, Soldier, let me play with you_.

 

He runs to Sabine.

 

He trusts her most.

 

She lays him on her top bunk and takes notes like a head shrink, and at the end, she tells what the Spectres had known.

 

They'd known that he'd fallen on a mission after a creature bumped her, nearly made her fall down a chasm, but he pushed Sabine out of the way, the creature bucked and kicked him, knocked him down. They didn't have time to find him, they tried going back but the Empire had blockaded the planet, when the blockade left, he was gone. There were rumours of a blue-haired Sith, not a Lord, not an Inquisitor, but a child, but every favour they called in led to no confirmation, denial, all they'd wanted was to _know_ if he was dead or not, his bond with Kanan had been broken, whether it broke by death or by force, they couldn't know. Kanan couldn't sense him anymore.

 

And then she'd found him, when they'd given up all hope.

 

Later, he'll tell Hera and Kanan about what he remembers, he knows it wasn't them who did that to him.

 

Kanan asks if he'd rather be called Soldier than Ezra.

 

He quickly shakes his head.

 

"Ezra is better. I'll remember you guys soon enough, if the people who called me Soldier were bad, I don't wanna be called that."

 


	3. and you don't know how nice that is

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> space family fluff and memories

Ezra Bridger.

Ezra Bridger.

Ezra Bridger.

the name echoes in his ears as he holds his newly made

  
L  
I  
G  
H  
T  
S  
A  
B  
E  
R  
wea  
pon  
of the  
jedi

 

 

  
he trains with kanan.

 

  
he hasn't quite remembered everything about his f a m i l y (the word still feels strange on his tongue) but he remembers every kata, every move Kanan had taught him previously, and for actual memories about these strange people, triggers are e v e r y w h e r e.

The caf machine.

The old pot sabine mixes paint in.

Hair dye.

Spare energy gates.

Lightsabers.

Stars.

 

                stars

  
     dotting

  
                                                                    the

 

                            sky

 

                                                                                                       each

 

         is

                                          a

 

                                                                                                                                                                         lost

  
                                                                   memory

  
     

     

 

                                                                                                                 just

  
                                  waiting

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 disconnectedly

             

 

                                                to be

 

  
                                                                                       added to ezra's  
 

 

 

      growing

     

                                                           collection 

 

 

 

 

                         of

 

 

 

  
                                                                               constellations

 

 

        of

   

                                                       memories

 

 

 

 

  
                                                                                             buried in his

 

 

 

                          notebook

  
 

 

 

 

   

 

               "that's a beautiful metaphor, Ezra."

Ezra's startled, but looking over his shoulder, he finds Hera.

 

 

_he trusts her_

 

 

 

A flitting expression- no, feeling,  

 

 

from Ezra's eyes

 

 

invites her to sit

 

 

next to him.

 

She shakes her head, takes his hand, takes him up to the rotating guns, the highest point of the ship, he vaugely remembers it, and it's all just a big three-sided roundish window

 

  
floating in

  
s                p       a                                               c             e

  
going under a

 

    ne  
       bu  
           la

 

 

 

pink and purple, blues, silvers, _beauty trust hope love remember remember remember_

 

the two stare out at the stars and nebula

 

  
he vaugely hears and sees sabine, then kanan and zeb, joining them.

  
he doesn't remember when he falls asleep curled up between hera and kanan, with sabine near his feet

  
but he knows he's finally remembering

 

 

 

 

 

 

      
                                                                                 finally _feels_ , _knows_  that this is where he's _meant to be._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> n o i totally didn't spend 20 minutes on the damn spacing and making the lightsaber text thingy and that star text thingy nahhh hhhhh
> 
> note as of 19/5/18- working on the last chapter, but mywriteclub decided to kill all my writing one day, which happened to be the last chapter, and i don't think i have a backup, i have a bunch of things going on, like school and some other fanfiction projects so yeah, it'll be out eventually but it'll be a bit.
> 
> note as of 16/6/18- after careful consideration on trains and planes and boats, oh my! i've decided that this doesn't really need a fourth chapter anyway, so... yeah! an unfortunate predicament will be finished soon, i feel like there's some other one i need to finish, hopefully that'll be finished in a timely fashion as well.


End file.
